One

Today marks a year since you left. It feels like an eternity and no time all at once. So many ups and downs for me with so many changes, and yet some things remain completely unchanged.

 Like that empty place that you left behind in me. I'm not sorry for that space.  It's simply the part of me that will always belong to you, no matter what my future holds. I hide myself from the world in that space more often than I care to admit. Even when things are good, I keep part of myself in the safety of that space.

 I'm so thankful for the time I had with you and even more thankful for the time I still get with you. I still love to see your name pop up on my phone and the sound of your voice still brings a smile to my face every time you call.

I know that you are well. I know that you are happy. And at the end of the day, that's what matters most.

But, I still miss you dearly. 💋

Originally written June, 13, 2016

The End

Red

It's been a month now since you left.  I miss you madly, even though we have spoken or texted daily.  Before the final entry, I wanted to say thank you for everything you have given me during our time together.  Love, support, encouragement, safety, freedom, a time to belong to you, lots of pictures and videos to keep memories from fading, as if they ever could.  Thank you for helping from so far away while I go through the stress and heartache of ending my marriage.  For checking on me and making sure I knew you were there for me even though you are very busy starting your new life.  For making me feel less alone in the world.  I don't have the words to express my appreciation appropriately.

I want to leave you with the lyrics of this song.  Too many inside references to us for me not to post this song for you.  I'm sure you'll get all the references, but I mostly hope it brings a little bit of that smile I love to your face.

RED - Taylor Swift

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly

Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall

Like the colors in autumn, so bright just before they lose it all

Losing him was blue like I'd never known

Missing him was dark grey all alone

Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met

But loving him was red

Loving him was red

Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you

Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song

Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer

Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong

Losing him was blue like I'd never known

Missing him was dark grey all alone

Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met

But loving him was red

Oh, red

Burning red

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes

Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go

But moving on from him is impossible

When I still see it all in my head

In burning red

Burning, it was red

Oh, losing him was blue like I'd never known

Missing him was dark grey all alone

Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met

'Cause loving him was red

Yeah, yeah, red

We're burning red

And that's why he's spinnin' 'round in my head

Comes back to me, burning red

Yeah, yeah

His love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

A Goodbye to Remember

The last 3 entries were about our encounters over our last weekend together.  This blog has mainly been about our sexual journey, but we have never been just about that.  We've had a much stronger friendship than I could have asked for during a very difficult time in my life.  I'll always be grateful for that.  This entry is a peak into our friendship.

We met the next day for lunch, and a quick rain shower passed over on my drive to the restaurant and then sunshine again.  I felt it was pretty spot on with how I was feeling in the moment.  Sad that this would be our last lunch together and still happy for the next steps in your life.  Not too mention that so many of our encounters happened on rainy days, so it brings back good memories and more.  I sat at a table outside and soaked up the sun until you arrived.  Within minutes of your arrival, it started to sprinkle and you shared your own very similar thoughts during the quick rain shower on the way over.  The sprinkles turned in to a full on downpour and we were eventually forced inside.

Our conversation came easy as usual, but there was finality behind every word.  We were playful and sincere, and I tried to soak in every single word like it was your last.  We talked about your goodbye party, our friends, what you are looking forward to in your new place, my marks from yesterday, and our friendship.  I did my best to keep the sadness out of my voice, but at some points, I just couldn't keep it all in.  You always manage to pull me back around though and we moved back into easy conversation.  I won't give the details of those conversations because just like our first kiss was never shared, these words will never be either.  They both continue to invoke very strong reactions in me even now. 

As you walked me to the car, you reached out for my hand.  A first and a last public hand hold I suppose.  It was a very quiet walk to the car and I could feel the emotions building up again.  I welcomed the silence though, as I'm sure I couldn't speak even if I wanted to.  I wasn't ready to say goodbye. 

When we approached my car, you told me to get in and push the seat back.  As usual, I was taken by surprise but welcomed the distraction and did as I was asked.  You leaned down and kissed me deeply and I could feel your hand making its way under my dress and into my panties.  Of course this is how we were to go out.  Our friendship has always been laced with lust.  You were going to make me quirt in my car in a public parking lot in broad daylight.  My whole body prepared for the assault as I took a quick look around to see who might be watching.

Your hand expertly fucked me as I buried my head into your shoulder to hold on for dear life until the need to cum was just too much.  Just at the edge, I dropped my head back on the arm rest, closed my eyes, and bore down on your hand in the hopes to never let go.  Just then, you wrapped your free hand around my throat and squeezed tightly until the job was done.  So much perfection in that last few strangled moments.

Once I was set free, I looked up at you while I worked to adjust the mess you made.  You told me that the people getting in their car just caddy-corner from us got a good show.  I laughed hard, but all I could think is maybe we should get you out of here before the cops show up.  They for sure had to think you were attacking me.

We said our simple byes, as if there would be a tomorrow, and moved on with our day.

There was a tomorrow.  There was another short amount of time right before you left where we embraced and said our final farewells, again in the rain.  You corrected me at one point during that last embrace and said it was our last goodbye here.  And in that moment, all my hopes were stuffed in a bottle labeled - This Isn't Over.

I hope this isn't our last goodbye.  I know we'll still speak to each other and text.  Our friendship still burns red, and I hope we always have that.  But I've come to realize that I may never be truly ready to say goodbye to our sexual connection.

So whether it is as friends or lovers, I hope to see you again.  xoxo

One Last Time

You ready?

That's what your text read.  I replied back with a simple yes babe, but that really couldn't express how ready I am for this.  You are coming here.  To me.  My house.  It's so fucking weird to even think about.  Not to mention the things that I'm hoping we do.  I've already been tasked with going to the store to pick up a ball gag and whatever else I might like.  Meanwhile, I was sent several pictures of your own preparations.  A picture of your belt, the video camera charging and the tripod.  I'm not sure what I really expected when I made the list for you the other day, but I'm glad I did.  The effort of getting the stuff together alone makes my heart sing.

When you ring the doorbell, my stomach drops a little.  Could the day really live up to expectations?  I find myself nervous when I open the door, but it's all gone the minute I see you.  My God, you are a sight.  Just army fatigue shorts and a tshirt in my favorite color, and a huge bag of who knows what in your hand.  As you step across the threshold, I start to freak out just a little.  You've never been to my house before. 

You did want me to come here, right?

I simply reply yes, as I walk you back to the bedroom, but there is nothing simple about this.  This is something we have talked about for a very long time.  You being here with me.  I hadn't really thought when you were sending pictures this morning that you would be coming here.  We never even spoke about the idea of this after a failed chance months and months ago.  I didn't know it was on your agenda until I received a text earlier saying you were trying to get there as soon as you can.  I almost hold my breath as you walk in to my bedroom.  You walk across the room, put your stuff down, and get to work like you've been here a hundred times.  When you let me know that we'll need a lighter at some point, I let my breath out as soon as I exit the room to grab a lighter.  You're still unpacking when I return.

Nice white dress.

I figured I should wear it.  I bought it for this.

Your compliment puts me at ease.  I pull the dress over my head to reveal my virginy white panties and bra.  The smile on your face is reward enough, but you move over to greet me for the first time since you arrived.  You pull me into your embrace and kiss me deeply.  Run your hand up into my hair, grabbing a fist and pulling my head back.  Not roughly, but with force you put me in a position to whisper into my ear.

I'm going to fucking ruin all your holes today.  I'm going to mark you badly.  You know that don't you?

Yes.

Get over to the bed and bend over.

I do as I'm told, but as I step up to the bed, I am pushed forcefully down into position.  You undo my bra strap and yank my panties down.  I step out of my panties and kick them to the side.  Pull up a little to pull my bra off, and am roughly pushed back down on the bed as soon as it's gone.  I'm given a hard smack to my ass and both of my arms are brought together behind my back.  A silk tie is weaved in and out of my arms above my elbow and then tied tight.  I already can't move, but a canvas belt is wrapped around my wrists that binds me tightly as well.  I can't move a centimeter.  I feel you watching as I try the restraints out for myself.  Looking for any play at all.

You won't be getting out of that will you?

The question isn't meant to be answered.  Another hard smack lands on my ass as if to answer that question itself.

Let me check how we're doing down here.

You slip your fingers down between my legs to feel how wet I am.  Spread my juices around.  I'm not sure at what point you managed to get undressed, but as I reach my bound hands out for you, I can feel your body heat radiating from you so I know you're naked.  Another hit to my ass, this one from your belt and then you start the invasion of my pussy.

Taking your time as you force your way in.  Teasing me with your delicious cock until you burst through.  I open my palms so I can feel your body with each thrust.  I want to pull you into me harder, and struggle against the restraints.  They are holding me in place, locking me into this helpless position.  As good as it feels, it's not enough to keep my mind from wondering.  I ache to move and to feel you and to block the thoughts that are filling my head.  The finality of this day.  I would plead with you to fuck me harder, fuck the thoughts out of my head, but I can't get the words out.  The torture of this moment doesn't last much longer before you pull out and start to command me.

Get down on your knees and clean me up.

Not an easy task without my hands to help me with my balance.  As soon as I hit my knees, you grab my hair tight on the top of my head and shove your dick in my mouth.  Fucking my mouth until I gag.  I can taste myself on you, and as I'm taking that in, I realize that I am back here, with only you.  My mind clear again.  You pull out of my mouth and rub my face up and down each side of your soaking wet shaft so that I can lick up every bit of it, smearing my face with my own juices and spit.  Shove your cock in once more and fuck me until I gag and then let go of my head.

Good girl…You wanna try?

You're holding your dick up and out of the way and I know what you are talking about.  It was on my list.  I open as wide as I can and take your balls in, as far as I can, and then suck to take in more.  I don't have the use of my hands, so I don't have a way to help them in any farther.  I know that I don't have both in my mouth at the same time, that is obvious to me.  This will not get marked off the list, but I'm glad I tried.  I play with them both for the last time, keeping an eye on you while you work yourself so closely to my face.  I see a dark twinkle in your eye and you grab me by the hair again and order me to get up, while pulling me up by my hair. 

Where's the ball gag?

It's over there in the bag.

The bag sitting on the nightstand by the bed, and I watch as you pull stuff out of the bag searching for the new ball gag.  Leather cuffs and zip ties.  You smile and look at me with the revelation of the zip ties.

Zip ties??

I told you I wanted it to hurt.

I say it as matter of factly as possible.  I know we won't use them today since my wrists are already bound, but it was worth the look on your face alone when you saw them.  You finally find the ball gag and pull it out of the bag.

Where's your toy?

In the bottom drawer.

I put it on the charger in the drawer and forgot to bring it out for today.  You pull it out and unplug it.  It needs to be unlocked once it's off the charger, so I kind of try to take it from you with my arms and wrists still bound and hold the buttons down until in unlocks. 

Here.  Let me untie you so you can fuck yourself with your toy.

I bend back over the bed to allow you access to my arms.  You work to undo the restraints but it doesn't come easy, it almost never does.  They are on very well today, and I lay quietly to take in my last time being tied up for you.  Once my arms are free, I shake them out a bit and rest them by my head.

Lift your head up.  You can bit down on this while I fuck your ass.

The ball gag is strapped to my head and then I'm allowed to drop back to the bed.  I can feel a bit of panic rise in me as I try it out.  My mouth locked open may be too much for me.  The panic is still rising, when I hear your command.

Put your toy in.  Now.

With the command comes the welcomed distraction from the rising panic.  I reach over to the toy and bring it down between my already shaky legs.  The toy slips in very easily having just been stretched by your thick cock.  Once it is all the way in, and the petal is resting against my clit, I wait.  The familiar spit on my spread ass signals your cock is ready to take me.  This time I don't rush you and let you have full control, pushing slowly into me.  Not an easy job with the toy already in place. 

Take it.

I'm taking deep breaths to help allow full access, but it just isn't going to happen.  Try a few more thrusts and then pull out to try again.  Spit on me again, and then push in, this time it's just right and you are in deep.  So deep that I instinctively rise up on my tippy toes to keep from taking it all in at once.

Put your fucking back down and take my cock.

I'm roughly pushed down and fucked hard until I relax into it.  I grip the bed tightly as my back is pushed down and held firmly in place while you pound me.  I'm still fighting it a bit when I hear you command me again.

Turn the toy on.  I want to feel the vibration.

I hit the button and hold for the required amount of seconds, and it feels like forever.  1…2…3…4.  The vibrator comes to life, and I drop down the side of the bed a little to give the toy room to work.  Your moans get a little louder when I increase the speed one level.  I can already feel little convulsions rising in me quickly.  I have no need to move the toy at all, I'm simply holding it in place while your balls hit the hilt hard enough to drive the toy into me.  It's perfection.  I hear you ask a question, but my answer is all garbled, so you take the ball gag off and ask again.

What am I doing?

Fucking my ass.

Just as tight as the first time I fucked your little ass.  Don't you wish you had another cock in your mouth right now?

I can't really answer.  There is no chance that my mouth could form intelligent words right now, but my mind screams air tight!!  In response to the excitement of that vision in my head, I try to move the toy a bit, but it doesn't budge.  I can't fight the force of your relentless thrusts.  Then you pull out slowly and tell me you want to get the camera.  Once I'm empty and the toy has a chance to move, it instantly triggers a series of convulsions that barely leaves me standing. 

Having missed the quake of my body, you return and ask me to spread my cheeks for you to re-enter.  This is no small feat.  I need to use both hands to spread my cheeks for you and clench my just wrecked pussy hard enough to keep the buzzing toy in place.  I hold my breath as if it helps me suck the toy in, and spread myself as wide as possible since I am assuming you are videoing.  Our moans and whispered yesses fill the room once you are back in, and we're back to deep filling thrusts in moments.  My clit is punished again as the toy as pinned tight to it.

Where's my cock?

Ah…It's in…Ah…My ass.

How deep am I in your ass?

Deep in. 

My replies are ragged between moans and panting.  I'm kind of surprised that I can get my answers out at all.  A series of smacks to my ass with your hand brings small oh gods to my mouth between moans and a smile to my face. 

Do you want to get on your back so you can see?

You pull out again very slowly, and the toy slips from its pinned position and several more small convulsions rake through my body.  You clean yourself up while I remove the toy, get on my back and pull myself down the bed into position.  No orders needed.  You step back up to me with camera in hand and push your cock deep into my cunt.  Thrust into me a few times to get going.  Pulling against the side of the bed, I pull myself down onto you since your hands are full, and then reach out to run my hand down your chest just as your questions come.

Where'd you get that big 'ole fucking bruise on your thigh right there?

You bit me…Hard.

You ready for me to fuck your ass some more?

Yeah.

Yeah?  You want to double pen your pussy while I fuck your ass?

My reply comes out as a whispered yes between moans. 

Once you are satisfied with the video segment, you put the camera down and pick up the white candle stick.  It's the very one we used last time.  Familiar drip marks have forever altered the shape of the candle, the way our encounters have forever altered me.  You light the candle while you still pound away at my pussy and I wait to be further altered just one last time. 

The candle seems to take no time at all to start dripping.  Like it's as excited for this as I am.  As the first few drips spread across my left nipple, I cry out.  It seems like my body is in a very sensitive state today, every sensation seems to be on a higher level, so it burns much more this time than last, but I crave it even more.  Cry out again as the wax hits my right nipple, spreading across the whole breast.  I know what's coming next.  I asked for this specifically since it didn't happen last time.  You are still fucking me hard, but I tear my eyes away from that vision so that I can watch the look on your face as you drip the wax on my clit.  It hits and lights my whole body up with a stinging pleasure.  It feels like a ton of wax pouring from a little candle as it drip down to my slit from my clit.  I cry out again, but this time in ecstasy.  This feels better than I could have imagined it would.  Still pounding fiercely as you go through another round of wax play, and then quickly blow the candle out and toss it on the night stand.  Carefully clean all the wax off of my clit and the surround, then pull me down into your arms and fuck the shit out of me.  All while you assault my mind with how you know I like to make the videos so that I can share them and get off on all my friends rubbing their pussies or jacking off to me.  You are slamming into me and that spot over and over again.

Yeah, that's the spot…Come on.  Squirt all over my dick.

I'm in too much pain.  Again, my body seems overly sensitive today and for the first time ever, I cry out for you to stop.

Stop!  Please stop!  I can't take it anymore!

Yes you fucking can!  Get down here and take it!

You pull me the fuck back down the bed and push in and up a few more times, before I scream out again.  The plea surprises me as much as it does you.  I've never asked you to stop before, but as soon as you realize that I'm serious you stop immediately and pull out.  Stroke yourself while you admire your handy work and let me have a moment's rest.

Are you saying you are done with me?

Your question comes as you are pushing into my ass again.  A welcomed changed for sure. 

No.  I'm not done with you.

My reply comes out in almost whimper, but I am sure as fuck not done with you.  There are still things left on my list god damn it.  My pussy can have a breather, but that bitch better get back in the game.  Fucking my ass deep already and I am pulled back into your world and out of my state of exhaustion.  My moans of pleasure fill the room once again.

Your pussy can't take it, but your ass sure can…Put the toy in.

I know there isn't enough room for the toy and for you to be as deep as I want you to be, but I'm game.  I grab the toy as you back up a bit without pulling all the way out.  The toy slips in easily enough, but there isn't much room for you to push in.  As the toy hits the final position with the petal against my clit, I turn it on and you get back to work.  With every thrust the toy is driven farther and farther into me.  I can already feel the shaking begin, so I close my eyes and drop my head back to the bed to help get lost in that moment.  I feel one of your hands slip from my waist and lock down onto my neck.  My eyes shoot open and drill into your own as your grip tightens.  The only noise is the buzzing and my strangled breath.  You fuck me like this to what feels like an inch of my life.  My body is heating up and my mind is going fuzzy.  I want to cum so badly like this, but I feel too full.  Can that be possible?  The buzzing is still drilling into me and your grip is still tight.  I'm getting close.  I want you to feel me convulse down onto your cock so badly, and just when I'm about to tip over, you rip the toy out and go back to fucking alone.

I'm not sorry for the interruption though.  I want you deep again.  I crave that feeling, and with me on my back, I can feel your body hit my pussy with every thrust.  You reach over to me and grab my nipples and pull hard, pulling me up off the bed and into you further.  In return, I reach down and grab your balls and smash them into me, digging my nails in a little just to see what you might do.

Can you feel my balls beating your ass?

I don't answer, but just smash them into me a little more and listen to your moans.  Then you push my whole body over on my side and fuck me hard while you press me down into the bed with all your weight.  The smacks come hard and furious to my ass.  I cry out with each one, but want more.  With the last smack, you suddenly pull out and let me go.

Come here.  Bend over the end of the bed.

As I move to the foot of the bed, you go over to the full length mirror and move it farther down the wall so that it frames our new position.  I'm already bent over the bed and watching you get things ready, and can see that I'm going to have the perfect view of you fucking me.  Something I never get to see, and also on my list.

Push into my soaking wet cunt, and drill me hard while I watch.  The body shot of you fucking me is so awesome.  I get to watch you bend down and put that gorgeous mouth on the welts that are already forming and kiss them gently.  It's a vision I won't soon be forgetting.  My knuckle has made into my mouth at some point, and I'm biting down hard when you put the camera next to me and tell me to hit record.  I let my finger go and try to hold the camera steady between thrusts and my panting.  An almost impossible job.  I giggle a little at how much I suck at this and then go right back to little moans of delight.

You like watching your little pussy get fucked?

Mmm…Oh yeah…It's awesome.

A few more delicious thrusts and another hard smack to my ass sends shockwaves of electricity through my body.  I moan loudly and relax further into the bed.  Your hand comes down into my view, stops the video and takes the camera from me.

Lift your head.

I lift my head and your belt slips around my neck and then lay my head back down.  I watch intently in the mirror as the belt is pulled tight and used as leverage as you fuck me roughly.  My head is yanked up, and I choke hard, cutting my breath off completely.  Immediately the belt is let go and I am able to breath freely again.  It's not lost on me that you were not ok with me not being able to breathe at all.  As the belt is slipped off of my neck and I watch you fold it in half, I start to wonder about my future and if they would care that I can't breathe.  A firm swat to my ass with the belt shakes me loose of the future and brings me back to here and now.

I close my eyes to feel it all just a little bit more and hear your growled command.

Watch it!!

I open my eyes and go back to watching you fucking my ass so deep I can barely breathe.  Another smack to my ass with your bare hand and then you pull out, telling me to get down on the ground.  I lay down on my back in the middle of the floor.

Like this?

Yes, just like that.

I raise my arms up to move my hair out of the way just as you come down onto me, pinning my arms above my head with your knees, and your ass moving into position just above my face.  I raise my head and lick from your ass to your balls, until you reach your final destination and sit right down onto my face allowing me to get so deep in your asshole.  I shove my tongue in and lick that hole like I'm licking the last bit of ice cream out of the bowl.  And, those beautifully erotic sounds, they come from you.  I suck a little down onto that soft skin just outside as you grind your ass into me.

Is this what you wanted…Is this what you crave?

I don't answer, but I bite a little in response to your question and hear a moan in reply.

You thought that fucking two guys in the same day made you a whore, but it didn't.  What are you now?

I'm a whore.  I'm your whore.

Get in there you dirty little whore.

I do as I'm told and dig in again.  Plunging my tongue in and dragging it towards your balls.  And hear your moans fill the room.  One more time, this time dragging my teeth as well.  Then you get up and ask me to get on my knees in front of you while you are stroking yourself.

Get down there.

I take a moment to notice the camera in your hand, wipe my saliva from my face and dig into your balls once again.  I hear your approval with oh yeah, and moan into your balls myself.  Going at them like it's my last meal.  Reveling in their taste just one more time. 

Oh yeah…You're going to make me cum you little fucking whore.

I continue to moan into your balls only stopping to answer your questions breathlessly.

Oh yeah…Tell me what you want.

I want you to paint my face.

I've known since you walked into the room that this would be my chosen way to go out.  I know that you love it, I love it and I still get a taste because I won't be able to keep my greedy little mouth shut.  Just as I answer, you start to cry out fuck over and over, so I close my eyes and open my mouth.  My reward is imminent.  As your cum hits my face, I moan again at the beauty of that final moment.  Swallowing every once in a while as the cum spreads with the sweet sound of your fucks echoing through the room.

Get every last drop…Yeah, get it.

I don't need to open my cum filled eyes to find your cock.  I can sense it and immediately sink my mouth down on to the shaft.  Sucking a few times, and then lick the shaft a few more to get every bit.  Moaning with the thought that this will be the last time your cock is in my mouth.

Good Girl.

As we clean up, you share that you thought about pushing my limits today.  About putting me in the bath tub, and peeing in my mouth.  You're right, that would have pushed me, but I probably would have done it.  All I can think is I wish you has said something before and for fuck’s sake I'm going to miss us.